Three Emotional Healing Myths Debunked by Internal Family Systems
We just had our first live group session in our 4-week online workshop “Internal Family Systems for Your Daily Life.” It was pretty freaking wonderful; to gather as a group, learn about, and practice this life-changing approach to our inner worlds is something I just can’t get enough of. You can join us here.
This morning I put on a podcast as I made breakfast and tea and took the dogs on a walk. And on this podcast (the name of which shall be withheld), I heard the guest state as fact three common myths in the span of about 30 minutes.
I’ve heard these myths many times before. They’re pretty widespread. And Internal Family Systems provides a clear explanation for why they are myths and why there’s a better way.
So, I had to sit down and write these out before I lose motivation. (This summer has been extremely busy so the newsletter pace has slowed. Thus, I need to strike while the iron’s hot.)
Without further ado, here are three emotional healing myths that IFS busts wide open:
Myth #1: You can just let go and move on from trauma
On this podcast, the guest (who is not a therapist, btw) said that in the healing process one must confront the traumatic memories (partially true from an IFS perspective), but then at some point one must choose to let them go and move on.
It’s kind of surprising to see how many people with some authority espouse this view. I encourage you to google “let it go book” and see how many people with PhDs and other letters after their names, and other guides/coaches have written books revolving around this idea.
From an IFS perspective, you cannot just “let it go.” The reason is that the “you” who is letting go is not the same you that is holding the trauma. What ends up happening is that the part of you that wants to let it go and tries to let it go pushes deeper down and further away the part that is holding the trauma. It may feel better for awhile, but the pain is still there, bubbling back up to the surface.
IFS provides a clear, steady way to access the part that is truly carrying the pain and trauma. And only by accessing it from your True Self (not the part that wants the pain to go away), can you help the traumatized part ultimately let go of the wounds (referred to as burdens in IFS) for good.
“You” can’t just let go and move on, because that “you” is a manager part that can’t possibly provide the love and safety the other, younger traumatized part needs to eventually and finally let go and move on. Only your True Self can do that, and accessing your True Self takes time and guidance from an experienced, trained IFS practitioner.
Myth #2: You need more discipline
The guest on the podcast said that his personal discipline allowed him to show more love toward his wife and kids and in his life in general. In different behavioral health approaches, a similar approach is taken where clients are encouraged to set and make commitments and start healthier routines, eventually developing more discipline.
This is all good and fine, and many times better outcomes ensue (except when they don’t because commitments are broken and routines fail, leaving the person feeling even worse). But even in the best case scenarios what happens is that a controlling manager part has been given free rein to tyrannize all your other parts into submission. In the worst case, that controlling manager is overthrown by younger, unruly parts, only further reinforcing the belief that you’ll never get your sh*t together.
From an IFS perspective, we want to welcome ALL our parts and get to know them fully. When we do, we begin to understand the parts that want to avoid, resist, withdraw, ignore, zone out, and otherwise keep us from the kind of discipline that other manager parts desire.
We also get to know these controlling manager parts and learn how they believe if we could just be perfect and disciplined, we would finally be worthy of love and respect. Eventually, we’ll get to go to the young, exiled parts they’re protecting who inevitably carry feelings of unworthiness.
Over time, IFS helps us build a loving and trusting relationship with all our parts, and thus “discipline” just starts to happen. I put it in quotes, because harmonious, integrated discipline is really just having an internal system that is clear about what it wants out of life and is naturally motivated to do things that help it get there.
Myth #3: We have internal adversaries, saboteurs, or an inherent internal resistance we must always work to overcome
One of the most frustrating things about the Netflix documentary Stutzby Jonah Hill is Psychiatrist Phil Stutz’s insistence on the existence of a “Part X” inside all of us. This Part X refers to a part of ourselves that resists change and keeps us stuck in old patterns. It’s characterized by negative thoughts and feelings, such as fear, anger, and resentment.
We obviously have parts that can act like this. But what Stutz and others seem to believe is that they are permanent and necessary parts that we must fight against. IFS has a very different view.
First, such parts are not permanent or necessary. They arise because they have had to take on specific jobs in our system: keeping us quiet, keeping us down, keeping us protected. They do these jobs ultimately because they are protecting younger, exiled parts. Once those parts are healed, these other “negative” parts are released from their jobs and can take on very different roles in our system. So, they’re neither permanent nor necessary.
Second, fighting them only makes things worse. Because these parts are doing an important job in protecting our exiles and thus protecting us, they will fight any attempts to get them to stop. Fighting them is a recipe for making them even more extreme.
If instead we approach them with the love and curiosity of our True Self, we get to learn about why they do what they do. This builds trust and compassion, which eventually allows the negative part to relax back, letting you go to the younger, exiled part. Healing ensues, and the negative part gets a new job.