The Three Stages of Emotional Health

The sound of a bell
Still reverberating,
or a blackbird calling
from a corner of the field,
asking you to wake
into this life,
or inviting you deeper
into the one that waits.

- David Whyte

No single emotional health coaching session I’ve done is like any other, just like no one’s emotional health journey is the same. But there are a few sign posts I’ve come to recognize.

I chose the stanza from David Whyte’s poem “The bell and the blackbird” because the one commonality we all (those of us on this emotional health journey) share is that we’ve heard that call asking us to wake into this life or inviting us deeper into the life that awaits . . .

Stage one seems simple: we being to slow down and notice what’s happening inside. Of course it’s not simple. Most of us, myself certainly first in line, have spent our lives avoiding what we’re feeling by projecting it on to others, analyzing and ruminating, puffing ourselves up with some form of positive thinking, or distracting ourselves with everything from drugs and alcohol to exercise and work.

However, something magical happens when we start to slow down and notice. We begin seeing that we’re not just a jumbled, chaotic mess of feelings. We are actually feeling something specific. 

As we narrow in on it, we might be surprised. What seemed like anger was actually fear, or what appeared like exhaustion was really grief, or what we were sure was sadness emerged as loneliness. 

Stage two happens in the closed-eyes, emotional awareness practices I lead. We get to feel inside and get to see that the feeling we noticed is just one part among many inside of us. 

We are not monolithic minds but rather we’re all naturally made up of many different parts or sub-personalities. When we slow down even further and get to know all our different parts, we begin to see how each part is trying to help us in its own unique way. 

By listening and witnessing these parts, we help them relax, unburden, and heal.

As our parts relax, unburden, and heal, something important happens. Our essence, core, true self, spirit or whatever you want to call it, effortlessly emerges. It’s like the sun that was covered by dark clouds. The sun doesn’t work to shine through. It effortlessly radiates when the clouds part.

The wonderful thing is this: our parts don’t go away but rather get more room to be exactly who they need to be. They still have big feelings (what would life be without big feelings?) but now we have more space inside to respond in alignment with our highest values and in deep connection with others. Our relationship to the world becomes one of flexibility, attunement, patience, and flow. 

That radiance
you have always
carried with you
as you walk
both alone
and completely
accompanied
in friendship
by every corner
of the world
crying
Allelujah.

- David Whyte, The bell and the blackbird (final stanza)