We Are Not Who We Think We Are
“You aren’t who you thought you were. You’re just not that person. And in this very lifetime you can know it.”
- Ram Dass
I’ve had several sessions recently with different clients in which it became apparent to them that they were not who they thought they were. It’s not that they realized they were different people, or they had different identities, like they were Democrats instead of Republicans.
The realization is that the self they thought was the core of who they were, was just a small part of them. Their true, capital-S Self––who the really are––they began to experience as something much vaster and more mysterious.
When a person dives deep into Internal Family Systems work and becomes emotionally healthier, there are several obvious things that happen:
they become more attuned to others in their life
they become more connected to others in their life
they notice more ease and flow in their daily life
they have a greater sense of purpose and meaning
they are calmer and more resilient to setbacks
Along the way, however, there is one big change that is often less noticeable: their self-understanding becomes much more complex, nuanced, and fluid. They come to see that they are not who they thought they were.
IFS inner work shows people this in a number of ways. First, they begin to see that they’re not a single “mono-mind.” When they say “I want a bowl of ice cream,” a little slowing down and reflection reveals that, actually, a part of them might’ve been feeling stressed, and another part of them came in and suggested a bowl of ice cream as a way to feel better. Now the “I” is actually two parts. If they keep at this reflection, they might eventually see another part that is critical of the ice-cream-eating and says: “If you eat that whole bowl of ice cream, I’m going to make sure you work out extra hard tomorrow.” Now the “I” is really three parts, and so on.
Second, IFS shows us that the true “I” is not any of these parts. There’s the stressed part, there’s the numbing/escapist part, and there’s the critical manager part. And they’re all fighting each other. Deeper and beyond these parts, there’s a calm, curious, and compassionate core inside that doesn’t take sides and loves each part unconditionally. That core is who we truly are, even though most of our days are spent blended with these parts.
Finally, we begin to see that whatever “I” am, it is impossible to know it completely. “I” am the knower and can never step outside of this knowing in a way that would allow me to fully know the knower. Anything I know is the object of my knowing and not the knower itself. As I tell clients, you’ll never see the True Self because the True Self is the seer. We can relax back into the True Self, let it flow, and allow it to infuse and lead our parts.
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So, what’s the benefit of complexifying our identity in this way? What good does it do me to disrupt who I think I am? There are several benefits I’ve noticed in my life, perhaps the most important being a deeper felt knowing around my spirituality.
But for all of my clients and myself as well, there is a very practical benefit: when “I” feel anxious, embarrassed, afraid, alone, inadequate, lost, and so on, “I” can relax back and notice “I” am not who “I” thought “I” was. I might notice that there is a part here who is holding anxiety, a part there holding fear, and another part there feeling alone, inadequate, and lost. And then I (the capital-S Self) can begin to connect with these parts, bringing them the naturally flowing calmness, curiosity, and compassion always and already abundant in my capital-S Self.
This move shifts everything; just a total game-changer. When I show up for my parts, I get a little more clarity and build a little more trust in who I really am.