Have you ever had the inner sensation that a part of you wants one thing but another part of you wants something different? Did you ever notice how you feel and act differently when you're around your family of origin than you do when you're with your friends or at work? Have you ever gotten triggered and yelled at your kid(s), only later to look back and wonder what "got into" you?

It's hard to account for all of this back-and-forth, inner multiplicity if we have a model of our minds that says we're a single, unified self. This model is what Richard Schwartz, PhD, calls the "mono-mind" theory of self. It's the most common view that people hold. 

When we say "I want to go to the beach," or "I'm feeling sad," we're implying that we're a unified self that has a single desire or a single feeling. But as we already know, when we take just a second to reflect, we have multiple desires or feelings at any given time. 

We need a more accurate model of our mind that takes into account all of these different parts inside of us. Do you have an internal part that criticizes you and tells you all the things you're doing wrong? Me too! That's the inner critic. 

Do you have parts that get triggered over things that don't trigger others? Me too! Those are parts that have emotional wounds from the past that get triggered when something happens that reminds them of the original trauma. 

Do you have a part that manages you and makes sure you stay on schedule? That's your manager part. And do you have a part that helps you avoid anxiety and other yucky feelings by drawing you to social media, television, a glass of wine, or online shopping? That's your avoider part. 

Does this all sound strange? Luckily, there's an evidence-based model of the mind that has gained widespread acceptance in psychotherapy circles over the past decade that can help explain this all. It's called Internal Family Systems (IFS), created by psychologist Richard Schwartz, PhD, and now practiced by tens of thousands of therapists around the world who've helped hundreds of thousands of people heal emotional wounds, break cycles, and live better lives. 

IFS is a model of the mind that says all humans have multiple inner parts (which Schwartz calls "sub-personalities") and every single one of our parts wants the best for us and will always be with us. Real emotional health involves coming into a loving relationship with our parts.

How does engaging with inner parts help on my emotional health journey?

The IFS “parts-based” approach opens up an entirely new way to relate to ourselves internally and relate to others externally. Internally, IFS shows us how to practice radical self-compassion by allowing us to see that every part inside of us (even the destructive, addictive, and triggered parts) is trying to help and protect us. As Schwartz says, "There are no bad parts."

Externally, IFS shows us how to extend compassion to our loved ones by allowing us to notice when their protective inner parts get triggered. Instead of getting triggered right back at them, we can learn how to step back, notice that protective parts are activated, and allow our compassionate True Selves to take the lead in response. 

Loving all of your inner parts

In our emotional processing sessions, I asked you to get to know parts holding tightness or tension in your body. These parts are usually carrying anxiety, frustration, anger, or any other difficult feeling. 

Do you remember how you felt toward those parts? Most of us feel negatively toward other difficult internal feelings. In your sessions, maybe you’ve noticed discomfort, annoyance, exhaustion, or some other feeling of resistance toward the original feeling. 

You’ve probably noticed by now: we have feelings about feelings.

What this means is that we have some inner parts that don't like each other, argue with each other, or mistrust each other. These combative parts make it hard for us to achieve real change in our lives because when one part wants to change, other parts will find ways to sabotage it. 

The key to getting all our inner parts rowing in the same direction is to slow down, relax inside, and get to know them. By getting to know them and honoring how they're trying to help us, we can get all our inner parts on board for the most important changes in our lives. 

The major types of inner parts

Richard Schwartz, PhD, is the founder of Internal Family Systems and developed this approach to inner parts over the past 40 years. He's found that everyone has three major types of parts:

1: Childhood/adolescent emotionally wounded parts

These parts become stuck in the past, in the traumatic situation that originally hurt them. Schwartz calls them "exiles" because the other inner parts in our internal system want to push them down and send them away so they don't disrupt the whole system. 

Imagine walking around with open, unhealed wounds? It would make normal life impossible. The same thing goes for our internal parts system. If we haven't been able to heal these childhood wounded parts then they get exiled, walled off, and repressed. They're still there, which is why we can get triggered and re-traumatized. But in everyday life, they get pushed away, out of sight. 

2. Controlling/Manager parts 

These parts took on their roles at the same time as the childhood wounded parts experienced the initial trauma. There are many sub-types of controlling parts from managers and critics to analyzers and scouts that stay alert for potential harms. Controlling parts are the easiest to get in touch with because they produce most of our everyday feelings, thinking patterns, desires, and fears. 

3. Avoider parts

These are the parts that drive us to avoid difficult feelings, especially the triggered and re-traumatized feelings around our childhood wounded parts. Richard Schwartz calls them "firefighter parts" because their role is to put out the fire of intense, negative emotions. In their extreme forms, avoider parts can engage in self-harm like cutting, eating disorders, and suicide. 

They're also the primary cause of substance abuse. In milder forms, they encourage us to scroll social media, shop online, watch TV, and drink alcohol. Avoider parts will do anything that helps us avoid uncomfortable feelings and intrusive thoughts. 

4. The part that is not a part

Schwartz found that clients would eventually start to feel compassion and curiosity toward all these other parts, no matter how harmful or extreme they were. When he asked clients what part felt compassion and curiosity, they would answer: "This isn't a part; it's my true self."

Schwartz soon discovered that every client had this sense of True Self once they were able to allow their other parts to relax and feel safe. The True Self, he found, has several amazing qualities that I touch on in the next section. But for now, know that you indeed have a True Self that is whole, undamaged, and has all the qualities you need in your life.

The golden rule of inner parts: there are no bad parts

No matter how extreme, disruptive, frustrating, or harmful some of your inner parts have been in your life, they all want to help you and keep you safe. They have just been pushed into internal roles by difficult and painful situations in your past. We have many reasons to be grateful for all of our inner parts.

One goal in our sessions is to find parts that are particularly troublesome in your inner system and get to know it. Maybe it's an anxious or depressive part. Maybe it's a hypercritical part. Maybe it's an avoider part. 

These are the usual parts that can derail our efforts for personal growth and lasting change. By getting to know them, we can give them what they need, help them relax, and eventually show them that they can trust your True Self.