Emotional health = four abilities

#1: The ability to acknowledge and understand your and others’ emotions

Most of us lose this ability in childhood as parents, caretakers, teachers, and peers restrict which emotions are allowed and how much emotional expression is allowed. As kids, many of us grew up with the implicit understanding that there were emotions that were off limits. So we learned to ignore, resist, and avoid them, leaving us with a bunch of defensive mechanisms inside that make it hard for us to acknowledge and understand these emotions today.

As we engage in emotional fitness and become emotionally healthier, we gain the ability to recognize our own emotional states for what they are and understand their role and importance in our lives.

#2: The ability to stay grounded and present in the midst of intense emotions

When as kids we learned that some emotions were off limits and unsafe, we lost the ability to be with these emotions and move them through our body. Later in life when the demands of the world start to pile up and we can no longer ignore, resist, or avoid the unsafe emotions and they come pouring in, we lose our sh*t. We get triggered, we say and do things we regret, and we wonder afterwards what got into us. 

Doing the work and getting emotionally fit allows us to recognize when intense emotions are coming on, process them and shorten the time they feel really intense, and come back into a grounded, embodied awareness with greater perspective.

#3: The ability to feel the full range of emotions

We get messages from our parents, friends, and society at large that only certain emotions are acceptable. We can try real hard to feel only the pleasant emotions, but what ends up happening is that all emotions get restricted. It’s a law of emotional physics: if you restrict feeling one emotion, you end up restricting them all. 

Real emotional health is the ability to welcome and feel the entire range of emotions from anger, hopelessness, and aloneness to ecstatic joy, deep love, and spiritual awe. This allows us to deeply connect with our loved ones no matter what state they’re in, and by allowing them to feel what they feel, we make room for new emotions and personal growth.

#4: The ability to flexibly adjust to different emotional states in others

The rain will come, the tides will rise, and the seasons will change. If we are only comfortable when the sun is out, the tide is low, and the weather is perfect, then we can’t possibly show up in the ways our loved ones need us. Real emotional health is the ability to respond to all that is happening for the ones we love. We transform the lives of others when we’re able to hold the space for all emotions, no matter how intense and difficult.

Emotional Fitness in four steps

Emotional fitness refers to the practices and routines we use to become emotionally healthy. Like physical fitness, it can refer to countless different activities, but they all have in common the aim to step outside the daily patterns of modern life and consciously do something different. This “stepping outside” is actually four different steps, which we detail below: 

Step 1: The a-ha moment

The first step is recognizing that true emotional health doesn’t come automatically from our modern lifestyles. We need to intentionally choose to do things differently in order to be emotionally healthy.

Step 2: Get ready to do the work

After the a-ha moment, there comes the “Let’s do this” moment. We acknowledge that (like physical fitness) emotional fitness takes work. In order to feel physically fit, run fast, and lift heavy things, we need to be willing to work and feel discomfort. 

But the work required in emotional fitness isn't related to sweat and strain. It's about the inner work of opening up to difficult feelings, uncomfortable emotions, and painful memories. But just like physical fitness, the more we do the work, the easier it gets. 

We all want to experience the results of emotional health: true peace, joy, calm, and happiness. But we can't get there without doing the emotional fitness work of opening up to our sadness, anxiety, depression, anger, or aloneness. 

Step 3: Do the work 

Through out our work together, we’ll take it slow and we’ll take it easy, but ultimately I’m here to help you DO. THE. WORK. This involves first taking a step back and finding your why. Why do you want to do this work to become as emotionally fit and healthy as possible? What's at stake for YOU? 

As you hold on to your why, I’ll help you go inside and start doing the work to learn about your emotional wounds and defensive mechanisms that are holding you back from being truly present, feeling the full range of feelings, and showing up as your full, authentic self. 

Step 4: Connect more deeply with everyone around you

Just like physical fitness, emotional fitness requires getting into a routine and maintaining a different lifestyle. That means bringing all the healing that happens inside of you out into your relationships with your family, friends, and colleagues. 

Your most important relationships become the arena where you get to practice all of the emotional fitness skills and strength you’ve developed. Your peace, joy, calm, and happiness will touch all of your relationships, but you’ll also have the capacity to hold the space for your family's, colleagues', and friends' difficult emotions. This might sound like a lot, but emotional fitness will allow you to show up how the most important people in your life need you and not feel drained or overburdened.